So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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