fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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