living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
