i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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