ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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