sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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