I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
