Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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