I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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