new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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