I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I party with great urgency now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
