i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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