He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
