If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
