Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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