dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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