he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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