mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
