When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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