You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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