We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My boob is missing a layer of skin
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
