So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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