yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize