So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
