Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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