My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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