I wish my penis had an off switch
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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