i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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