theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
