Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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