the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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