Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
