Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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