i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
