How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
