if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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