im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
