it wasn't lemon gatorade
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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