I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
