I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
