Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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