You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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