Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize