I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
