btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
