just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize