watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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