just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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