it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
