My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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