I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize