I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
