The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
