if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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