how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
