please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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